Barack: Look at you, you pathetic little Russkie twerp...remember I can kick your a** on the basketball court if this really has to get nasty...let me remind you that I'm still the president of the world's only superpower...don't think for a moment that your pint-sized gas station posing as a proper G20 economy (now that I've kicked you out of the G8) can actually challenge our dominance of Europe or the Middle East, let alone both! For the last time - tell Assad he has to get his own and his entire extended family's behinds the hell out of Syria, or there will be consequences!
Vladimir: Er, are you feeling okay, dear Barack? We're here to try to meet in the middle on restarting the peace process, remember? We don't need threats now, do we?
Barack: Okay, let's cut the bullcr*p, Vlad. We had a deal that you were going to pause that son-of-a-bitch eye doctor's barrel bombing of women and children in Aleppo and elsewhere first...and only then can we plausibly work together again on the negotiations between our minions that last flopped a little while back...we've bent over backwards to concede to your blackmail on joining your vendetta against so-called "terrorists"...you understand as well as we do that the CIA has always labeled and unlabeled "terrorists" however it pleases, so we have no qualms about that...but for heaven's sake, don't you realize how big a fool you're making of me? Gimme a f***ing break for Chrissake! I'm not asking for Bashar's head on a platter anymore, but you gotta take him down at least a peg or two or you're making my office a joke!
John K: (Mm-hmm...mm-hmm...)
Vladimir: Whoa, whoa there, Barack my bro! Don't get so riled up! I told you almost two months ago we'd be having this discussion before long...yet you didn't take my advice to fire your whole CIA section advising on Syrian policy - and here I am amusing myself as to how they've trashed your whole administration in the sh*tter! I'm your best friend now - don't you ever doubt that!
Let me refresh your memory a bit, since you've had too much time on the golf course over the summer to digest how your utterly clueless spooks flushed you down the toilet...
I had a deal with my old pal Recep in Ankara way back in early July, as soon as our coalition totally surrounded Aleppo for the first time, that we were willing to cut the Turks 90 percent of the slack they wanted with the Kurds in northern Syria, as long as they were okay with the secular revolutionary opposition joining a transitional government with Mr. Assad still its figurehead...the Turks were really happy with this arrangement, and it allowed us to propose to both them and yourself that it was time to finally join forces against the real terrorists - you know, those goons who murdered nearly 3,000 Americans 15 years ago?
But conveniently, no sooner had we struck a tentative alliance with the Pentagon against Al Nusra than we noticed something strange but familiar: the jihadists started shuffling positions, equipment, and even uniforms all over Idlib and Aleppo provinces, in such a deliberate and blatant attempt to obscure who was who that your CIA and DOD could reasonably complain they couldn't agree with us just who was a Nusra-linked terrorist and who was a "moderate." Sorry bro, but they didn't fool us: we knew then and there that your Langley boys were trying to snooker us bigtime...we didn't bite...but your spooks did at least buy a crucial window for the terrorists to mingle enough with the approved "moderates" that we simply couldn't hit many of them for long enough that they could assemble a massive counterattack to break our siege of Aleppo.
In the meantime, though, some of your crazier deep-state operatives instigated that embarrassing putsch against Recep...they knew their new strategy of deception would ultimately rely on a more pliant Turkey which wouldn't cooperate with us...they failed miserably - we knew from the get-go that Recep was in danger from the CIA as soon as he publicly began to turn towards us and the Syrian regime, so we tipped him off just as your CIA plants were finalizing preparations for their strike. But I doubt you and Recep chatted about that here in Hangzhou...you were too busy pleading with him to release those July 15 traitors before they spill out more beans about Langley's miserably failed dirty insurrection - which of course we have every interest of keeping secret once our Turkish intelligence partners pass them on to us.
I must say - your CIA has done such an excellent job for us that it's become a running joke in the Kremlin and FSB that we'll one day erect a plaque for it to commemorate how it handed Syria and the Levant to Russia on a gold platter! You see, only because of the CIA has old Recep now wrought just the havoc with the Kurds in northern Syria that we agreed to let him indulge in - with your own support! Nothing like a bitch you have to keep happy because you can't lose her, is there?
So there you have it...good ole CIA couldn't keep its sticky fingers out of sovereign national interests...had to keep the 70-year gravy train going in spite of all common sense...tsk, tsk!
Anyway, as you know now, later this month I'm going to host both Erdogan and Assad at the Kremlin, if they'll both but be reasonable and sane...and perhaps we'll finally get this bloody freakin' war on a sensible path to conclusion...I'm not counting on it though...not only is your imperial intelligence and defense bureaucracy thirsty for revenge, but I've pretty much given up hope that you'll finally stand up to that sorry bunch of clowns.
But hey, just between you and I, Barack...absolutely no hard feelings! None! Like I said, I'm your best friend! I still absolutely need your help and even your initiative...no Syrian peace will be legitimate without American approval and even sponsorship...I need your credibility to be preserved so I can leverage it for my own efforts! (Smiling sarcastically) Please, between you and I...let's put a happy face on this whole situation!
And I apologize in advance: if Bashar's men and the Iranians still have their act together, that siege of Aleppo which they've tenatively reestablished might actually last and lead to surrender this time...it won't look good for you, but remember these things I've told you to both remind and educate you...if you forget again from too much golf in a few weeks, I'll be glad to rehash this lesson - updated of course - over the phone with you.
Barack: Okay thanks Vlad...you know I probably got only 50 to 70 percent of what you shared, tentatively at that...but thanks for cutting me some slack when I need it most. We're no closer to substantive agreement on policy, but yet again we've avoided the worst. I can't say I trust you yet, but all you've told me has opened my eyes to your fine grasp of the intricacies of this crisis in Syria which is needed for its eventual resolution. I see you understand and empathize that I don't want to leave the bigs in January with this fire still burning...I look forward to more of your interesting insight as to how to put it out...and in the meantime, I'm more clear than ever that what we're ultimately dealing with here is a fundamental lack of trust between us, between our nations and cultures...you could well be right on many things with regards to Syria and specifically Mr. Assad...but I take it you understand why I must stress I can't yet trust that your judgment isn't merely politically pragmatic, but ethically right too - and that's what I've always firmly believed to be the only true pragmatism.
Vladimir: You're most graciously welcome...we can eventually overcome our trust gap...let's begin by acknowledging it more honestly and openly, yet seeing that we're still not remotely enemies...it never hurts to cling to what we both know to be true without equivocation...oh, and good luck with everything in your final months.
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